It’s best to proceed with this route only if you’re asked for similar situations or what you learned from them. It also centers your experience over theirs. While this phrase feels empathetic when you’re saying it, it may feel reductive or just plain wrong to the person on the other side. We all live individual lives, complicated by our personal experiences, identity dimensions and personalities. While sometimes you really will get what your conversation partner is experiencing, most of the time, you won’t. Chances are, they just wanted to vent or wanted you to offer a real piece of wisdom. Instead, focus on their experiences and how they see you fitting into the larger conversation, if at all.
It’s a bit deflective and insinuates their experience can be reduced to a problem that can be solved via educational podcast or inspirational memoir. Unless they ask, don’t offer those options up. If someone is approaching you with a difficult experience - from a layoff to getting into a serious fight with a friend - they likely know where they can go to get advice. Similar to the above, this well-intentioned phrase offers unsolicited advice - and shallow advice, at that. Or, they’ll tell you they just needed you to listen. If they want help, they’ll tell you how you can engage. Saying this allows you to take action and offer help without inserting your own solutions or opinions into space where someone hasn’t asked for them.
How can I show up for you moving forward? That’s dismissive of their experience and can lead them to feel frustrated and not heard. You’re a nice person and you want to help, but leading with unsolicited advice focuses the conversation on fixing the problem from your perspective instead of on how the problem is affecting your conversation partner. Most of the time, people are approaching you with a conversation - especially a conversation about a problem at work or at home - to vent and have their experience validated. It also allows them the space to lead how the conversation progresses. This phrase reconfirms that you were a safe person to have this conversation with and validates their feelings. While you’re a kind person and want to see them happy again as soon as possible, asking them to simply not be upset may make them feel guilty for bringing it up or feel like their emotional experience isn’t valid. If someone comes to you when they’re upset about something - from missing out on promotion to experiencing a difficult life event - countering by telling them not to experience their feelings is reductive and dismissive. Instead, they apply to more subtle, open-ended conversations where empathetic listening is required. It’s worth noting that these critiques don’t apply to conversations that open with someone asking for advice or feedback. Keep reading to determine how you’re leading conversations down the wrong road - and what to say instead. If you use any of these phrases, you may be engaging in dismissive listening.
The first step is diagnosing the situation. The good news: Dismissive listening isn’t a personality, it’s a practice. As a result, they tend to be less effective leaders, mentors, parents and friends. It says “I want to fix you” or “I want to fix your problem” instead of “I hear you, what do you need?” While empathetic listeners are able to determine what a conversation partner wants or needs, dismissive listeners tend to be less charismatic in conversation and can be seriously holding back their relationships by leaning on inefficient (and generally less empathetic!) listening skills.
Are you accidentally a dismissive listener?ĭismissive listening is the opposite of empathetic listening.
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